Nursery Rhymes

But nursery rhymes are what I'm interested in, yes, 'cause nursery rhymes, remember when you were in the nursery? But it wasn;t really in the nursery, 'cause in the nursery, you used to say anything, just blaaaahh, it's really, er, primary school rhymes, and they had social commentary in, a lot of them had social commentry, like ring-a-ring of roses, you know?

Ring-a-ring of roses,

A pocket full of poses,

Atishoo, atishoo,

We've got the plague.

Great last line there! It's actually we all fall down, it's about the plague, and they've got posys, blaaaargh, and we used to sing it as kids, and have a great time over it. Another one, Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? That's about Mary, Queen of Scots. Now, they cut her head off, right, and I think quite contrary is just a little wierd...

"Mary, we're gonna cut off your head now, how do you feel?"

"Oooh, quite contrary"

Fucking pissed off! That's how she'd feel! Mary Mary fucking pissed off, how does your garden grow? So that's the social comment, how does your garden grow means what is your economic policy towards England at the present time? Then the second part of the poem is just a bit weird:

How dows your garden grow?

With cockle shells,

And silver bells,

And pretty maids all in a row.

Now that's just drugs, isn't it? That's the poet, he's writing, he got half way, smoked himself crazy, "fucking hell, the Queen's a banana, her advisors are all peas, and that's how me garden grows, missus". And then there's other ones, you know "Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?", and you think, "oooh, yes, there's social commentry in that, all about racism", and no! It's all about wool! Which is quite funny, it's all about wool, and tax. Someone thought "Hey! I'm gonna write a song about this, wool, and how many bags of wool? Three, and one for this guy, one for this guy, and one for that guy, Zzzzzzzz (snoring sound)"

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The Squirrel Joke

Yeah, 'cause you know you wake up in the morning, and your hairs all over the place? Well that's because, in the middle of the night, squirrels break into your room, with combs and moose, and the moose stand guard whilst the squirrels comb your hair into weird shapes, then they all run off, laughing that moose means two things, and can be used in a joke format.

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School Days

When we were small, we used to play the dare game, and dare each other to do stupid things. It was never sensible things, like "I dare you to help this small child across the road", no, "I dare you to put your tongue on an electric fire" Yes! And all the kids would go "no, no I can't do it", and one kid would always do it, the school mad kid.

Remember him? Every school had a mad kid, it was a government system to get mad kids into school. One mad kid in every school, that was the Conservatives pledge, and they did it. They weren't the biggest kids, they weren't the most popular kids, they were just mad.

We had a kid called Adams, he was our mad kid. We'd be there in assembly, and Adams would just stand up and shout "Headmaster! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!" He was just way over the discipline line, in the shot at dawn area, and the teachers would just go "ah, ah...", and the Headmaster came over and say "could you sit down, Adams".

As well as the mad kid, every school had the kid who smelt strange! We had the kid who smelt of sandwiches, that was who I had at my school, and he was egg! I would come to school, we'd all have sandwiches in Tupperware boxes, and we'd open them up, and sniff, apple in there, mmm, quite nice, but he was sandwiches! He never brought sandwiches, he was sandwich kid. And the class would go "wow, that's egg".

I don't know what it was, but his clothes, he must have gone home and gone "mum! The egg's wearing off! I think it's time for an egg wash", and his mum would go "oh, all right, get in the washing machine, three eggs in the top, on a boil wash" And he'd come out, egg. These kids were chosen by God, I feel, God would say "Angel Gabriel, go down, and tell the childs mother he shall smell of egg"

"Right, I'll do it, I'll go"

"I shall send down a choir of angels with you!"

"Oh no, not the racket, oh all right"

"Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah"

"Carol singers in the bedroom! Quick!"

"I'm not a fucking carol singer, I'm the Angel Gabriel, awake Mrs Stevens!"

"There's a chicken in the room, quick!"

"I'm not a chicken, I'm the Angel Gabriel! Hello? Look, your son, he has been chosen!"

"Great, will he be called Jesus?"

"Err, not exactly, love, erm, it's more of a sandwich thing really, err, he shall smell of sandwiches! Byeeeee! Egg, preferably!", and he would leap out the window.

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